Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Review - Pinkie Pie Discovers Coffee

I return at last, viewers! I'm sorry I took so long, but SOMEONE decided that my internet would shut down for almost the entirety of the school holidays, bar a few websites, and Skype. Oddly specific technological failures aside, I'm sure I've been missed by someone, so here we go, a review to make up for lost time. 'Pinkie Pie Discovers Coffee', after the break.

(After that cup is done, I think those eyes suggests that she wants to drink my soul. Sorry sweetie, you're going home empty-hoofed)


Alright, the story I'll be reviewing today is 'Pinkie Pie Discovers Coffee' by ChrisSpartan117 (Oh look, a Halo fan), a short fic touching on a subject many of us dream about daily: the end of the world. While I think the word will end with everyone simultaneously nuking each other in the face with missiles supplied by Apple, this fic goes with Pinkie Pie drinking coffee. 

While the fic will have you hanging on the edge of your seat in anticipation for when Pinkie takes that first sip of the bitter crap I can't stand, and it will surprise you in the aftermath of what actually does happen, like you don't go to family reunions to meet women, you don't come to me for a positive review. Let's take the plunge.
  
Descripton: "ONESHOT: There are some things best described as horrific events. These are disasters that nopony that has ever lived through them will forget. And then there is one event that will happen today, when the Cakes by a Starbits coffee machine, and invite Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle to test it out..."

Okay, Mr and Mrs Cake? May I call you Carrot and Cup? Good. Cakes, with all due respect, are you out of your goddamned minds? I can understand the purchasing of the machine, because some ponies like it (ignoring the fact that horses can't really consume caffeine without becoming horribly ill), but still. How did you two not see this coming? Forethought, people! 

Plot: The Cakes have recently returned from being judges at a baking contest, and after Pinkie Pie is paid for foalsitting and she gallops off to Twilight's place the owners of Sugar Cube Corner decide to purchase many things inside a catalouge they picked up at the competition using their thousands of bits of 'Expansion Money'. Lacking any forethought whatsoever in regards to the hyperactive-as-it-is pink pony that lives with them that is willing to try anything, they go ahead and decide to purchase a Starbucks*coughcoughcough*, pardon, Starbits coffee machine, under the assumption that it will earn them extra money as Starbits coffee is quite popular. Then there's a completely irrelevant subplot about Twilight changing Pinkie's mane bright blue and then back to pink before the two of them trot merrily back to the Corner an unspecified amount of time later. The Cakes then realise the error of their ways when Captain Hindsight comes in and Falcon PAAAWWWNCHes them with the fact that it's Pinkie. Who will now proceed to consume coffee. With caffeine. That is notorious for making ponies hyperactive. Pinkie orders a large chocolate frappe, and chugs the whole thing down. And then...

Well, I have to give you some reason to read it, now don't I? 
 
Characters: There is really very little to complain about in this regard. The Cakes aren't really developed much in the show besides being either good and loving parents (as I'm sure horses actually are) or overworked shop owners. They are neither in this fic, and yet they still seem in character somehow. Twilight is done rather well with the whole 'mad scientist' thing going on (okay, so maybe the subplot wasn't entirely irrelevant) as she tends to do in the show and many other fics while still caring about her friend's safety, giving her an accurate personality. Now, I don't honestly think that the author wrote Pinkie in this, and that it must have been someone else, namely the MLP writing staff. She is done quite well indeed, not too random but not plain, and when she is random it's in the Pinkie style that we've come to expect from the show, and not from the various fics out there that portray her as a veritable Sheogorath. 


Spelling and Grammar: Such a short fic, with so many errors! It simply boggles the mind! 11 spellling errors and 6 grammatical shortcomings. The author made mistakes...AND VE MUST CORRECT ZEM! 
Spelling: Paragraph eighteen, 'pastery'. Unless you refer to the equipment in question having the texture of pasta (and even that doesn't make sense), that should read 'pastry'. Paragraph twenty-one, 'caffiine'. You need to remove the eye. No, that's not incorrect word usage, I'm saying you should end up like Gloucester in King Lear for these errors. It should be 'caffeine'. Same paragraph, 'creme'. That should either say 'cream' or say 'cr√®me'. Paragraph twenty-two, same mistake. Paragraph thirty-three, 'lazer'. Okay, this is either 'laser' or 'LAZAR' and the latter should be followed with "BWAAAAAAH". Paragraph thirty-four, 'Twilgiht's'. Yeah, I'm sure you can see the error here. Paragraph fifty-one, 'proping'. Add another 'p' there, pardner. Paragraph sixty-seven, 'dipensor'. Erecting a 'dispenser'! Paragraph sixty-nine (tee hee), 'whirrled'. That 'r' needs to take a long walk off of a short pier. Same paragraph, 'possibilites'. Use the 'i' you took from 'caffiine' and put it here, where it belongs. Paragraph eighty-nine, 'INTACT'. That should have been 'IN FACT'. 
Grammar: Paragraph twenty-seven, 'leftover'. That's not a single word. Paragraph thirty-nine, 'Inside, a laser emerged from inside'. This is less a grammatical failure than just an awkward sentence. Same paragraph, 'all of the'. That is once again awkward sentence structure. Ideally it should be replaced with 'the entire'. Paragraph fifty-five, 'a'. That should be an 'an'. Paragraph ninety-five, 'with a tranquilizer dart in her mouth.' I'm pretty sure that should be 'gun' and not 'dart'. Paragraph 105, 'back back'. Get rid of one of those.  

I find all of these myself, no spell-checking programs at all, so don't complain about not trusting those things. I don't either.

Execution: Aside from the gratuitous amount of commas that were wholly unneeded, there wasn't much to poke fun at here. Except one thing...Mr. and Mrs. Cake had to order in the machine, and then wait for it to arrive, and then put up the sign, and then change the menu and so on and so forth. So how is it that they do all of this in the short time it takes for Twilight to complete her experiment? I'm going to quote Siegmeyer of Catarina when I say 'Hmmm...'

In Conclusion: In all honesty this is a decent fic aside from everything I pointed out, but I never recommend things and this is no different. Give it a go if it strikes your fancy, but if not, why are you reading this? 
Taking into account the plot, the spelling and grammar, the characters and the general execution, I give this fic a rating of 6.5/10. Not bad, all things considered.


Now, the last thing I'm going to address here is the image used. It seriously looks like it-


Uh, as I was saying-


It...I...I don't...*twitch twitch*




This is ChrisTheCat, signing off. 



1 comment:

  1. CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT! With his sidekicks, Shoulda, Woulda and Coulda! That's my takeaway from this awesome review.

    I think the next story I write needs to be torn to shreds by you. I would gladly link that to my FFN page.

    ReplyDelete