Saturday, June 23, 2012

Review - Lez Ponies

Medicshy, calm down. Seriously. The lack of attention to the site has caused you to believe that Flutterkoma is actually intimidating in any way and will make us listen to you. Luckily, I have a break from all the crap happening, so threats aside, away we go! 'Lez Ponies', after the break.

(They all look like they've been caught with their hooves in the cookie jar. Considering the title, they probably haveOKAY THAT WAS BAD) 



Alright, the story I'll be reviewing today is called 'Lez Ponies' by FrozenPegasus, a Human in Equestria fic and literally the very first one I've ever come across besides my own that has a female protagonist ('Anthropology' doesn't count). This story is also an original concept in my eyes because the main character is constantly hit on by other women, and yet she's as straight as a board.Then in Equestria, they like her even more, causing various stages of hilarity. No Darcy, as of yet there is no shipping. Put the gun down.

Now to be fair, I enjoyed this fic greatly, from it's original character concept to the snarky wit of the main character. However enjoyable it is though, like you don't go to see anything in cinemas nowadays for a good plot (I'm looking at you, Dark Shadows), you don't come to me for a positive review. Let's take the plunge. 

Description: "Kate the college student loves ponies. But unwanted magnetism towards her own gender has made her a bit of a homophobe. Landing smack in the middle of Ponyville, she discovers (to her horror) that she is even more attractive to mares than she is to women. Her mission? Find actual friendship without being shipped. Whether or not she's successful...is entirely up in the air. A fun reversal and parody of HiE tropes. The first few pages are a bit more somber, as they are used to introduce and set up the main character for future development, but that tone is quickly abandoned as the hilarity sets in."

I like it how the author immediately assumes that the story is going to be hilarious. Either that, or they're overusing words, and we all know how much I hate it [read: actual hate, not overusing words myself here] when people do that. I hate that almost as much as I hate people in general.

Plot: Kate, while on a train headed to another college after her friend kissed her causing her to make like the Seagulls and run away, run so very far away, receives a call from said friend. Promptly ignoring said call, she is somewhat concerned when she receives another, and another, but continues to ignore them all. After arriving, settling down and watching ponies, she falls asleep and is shocked to find a plethora of missed calls and messages from her friend. Sighing, she returns to where her friend resides and sees her standing on the edge of a second story building. As such, she runs up to talk to her, which devolves into an argument as to why the friends advances were never returned, at which point Kate explains a major plot point that you should read yourself. Her friends ragequits, leaving our unlucky protagonist sitting alone on the edge of the building. Pulling out her iPhone, she decided to do whatever it is people do with iPhones, and it slips out of her hand. Now, this is the part that gets me: she f@#!ing leans over to grab it. It just fell off of a seven story building, and she reaches out for it, subsequently falling herself. Some things people do just make me want to smack them over the back of the head. Anyway, she regains consciousness at a huge distance in the air above Ponyville and meets Rainbow Dash up there, because f@#! logic. Anyway, Rainbow Dash helps her land safely after getting an eyeful, which results in further unconsciousness, at which point all of Ponyville gathers around her, wondering what to do. Some believe that she is female, but have no way to be sure, and so they try to pull down her pants anNOPE. She jumps up and proceeds to Benny Hill right the f@#! out of there, eventually meeting Twilight Sparkle. The two talk, Twilight has a horngasm complete with magical discharge, and that's all the author has done thus far. 

A couple questions: 
1. Why do people always drop their iPhones? I mean, it's not that hard to hold on to something. Come on, people. 
2. How exactly did falling off of a seven story building result in Kate winding up several kilometers in the air directly above Ponyville? 

The plot is decent so far, though it brings more questions than answers, and any questions asked result in answers that bring further questions, resulting in an MGS3 style paradox. 

Characters: Kate is made out to be in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with Murphy's Law, my personal favourite law as it seems to affect everyone but me. She is always assumed to be homosexual due to how she looks and acts, and as such is constantly hit on by other girls who swing that way. However, the problem is that despite how she looks and acts, she in fact does not swing that way. This will disappoint a great number of perverts in the audience who were looking for a cheap clop, but in response I say to them: real life is not like pornography, and not every girl will jump at the chance to sleep with another. This is actually quite realistic and I can't fault that at all. Kate is also very good at making comparisons and references to things that others may not get, a prime example being Murphy's Law itself, which from experience many people have never heard of. She is made out to have a somewhat tragic background, to which I can only laugh at because my heart is used for pumping blood and nothing else, and I assume we are meant to be sympathetic to her in some way. It's difficult to lend a sympathetic ear if you've never gone through the same situation, and I don't think many straight girls are hit on by gay girls several times a day. Any other characters are yet to have much development, as the two current chapters focus only on Kate and  Murphy's Law, though nearly everypony in Ponyville thinks Kate to be utterly beautiful, except Spike. 

Spelling and Grammar: MY EYES! THEY BURN! 14 spelling errors and 11 grammatical errors, not including the phrases unique to the fandom, like 'everypony' and 'rainboom'. Words like 'sorta' and 'kinda' are also let off the hook. 
Spelling: Chapter one, paragraph nine, 'nottake'. Lack of a space. Chapter one, paragraph twenty-seven, 'freefall'. Needs a hyphen. Chapter one, paragraph fifty-two, 'subconcus'. In all seriousness, I don't know whether this was intentional or not, but if it wasn't, that was supposed to be 'subconscious'. Same paragraph, 'me.Possibly' No space. Fix that. Chapter one, paragraph fifty-seven, 'freefall'. Chapter one, paragraph sixty-one, 'we'repretty'. Space. Put one in. Chapter one, paragraph sixty-six, 'say."SMACK'. Space. Chapter one, paragraph sixty-eight, 'Mclachlan'. Though this may not be a mistake, in a surname the letter after Mc is usually a capital. Chapter one, paragraph eighty-four, 'How'dya'. I don't care if it's Applejack, that is not a word. It should be 'How do ya'. Chapter one, paragraph ninety-two, 'We'all'. Just...what? No. No apostrophe, and even better, no 'all'. Chapter one, paragraph ninety-eight, 'madeother'. Space. Chapter one, paragraph 101, 'Ah'ma'. Again, no. Bad FrozenPegasus. Chapter two, paragraph ten, 'everpony'. Missing the 'y'. Chapter two, paragraph thirty-nine, 'Starswirl'. That's two words, as in 'Star Swirl'. 
Grammar: Chapter one, paragraph forty-three, 'somethin?'. Missing an apostrophe at the end there. Chapter one, paragraph eighty, 'aint'. Missing both a capital letter and the apostrophe, i.e. 'Ain't'. The same paragraph, 'somethin'. Add an apostrophe. Chapter one, paragraph eighty-one, 'somethings'. Now this one I'm a bit shakey on. I'm not actually sure if it's 'something's', or if it's actually correct. Same paragraph, '!.' Remove either of them. Chapter one, paragraph eighty-four, 'yall'. Missing an apostrophe. Chapter one, paragraph ninety-two, there are three errors: 'aint', 'jus' and 'neath'. All of them are missing apostrophes, and should be, respectively, 'ain't', 'jus'' (or 'just') and ''neath'. Chapter two, paragraph twenty-two, 'You will never have friends,'. This should either be a stand alone sentence or the comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon. Finally, chapter two, paragraph thirty-nine, 'bearded'. Needs to be capitalised.   

Most of the errors appeared in the first chapter, and I believe that to be because the second chapter was much shorter and had less room for errors to be noticed. Please also note that no, I don't use a spellchecker, I use my own knowledge of the English language and meticulous searching to find these grievous errors. 

Execution: Not bad. Good pacing, no comma overuse, equal balance between dialogue and text...my only gripe is that italics tend to be slightly overused, and the second chapter could have been longer (or the first chapter shorter and made into three chapters) but besides that there isn't really anything to fault here.

In Conclusion: There isn't anything else to say that I haven't already mentioned because it's only two chapters long but, in retrospect, it's probably the best story I've ever reviewed (sorry, Fun With Changelings). Be that as it may, it's the best story I've reviewed, not read. In regards to all of the above points, I give it a final score of 7.5/10, and that was mostly due to my Grammar Nazi sense telling me to stop reading every few paragraphs. If there weren't so many errors, this would have received something much higher.

This isn't a fic for those looking for something to toss aside and forget about after they read it. No, I see this fic going places. Whether that place be super-stardom or the incinerator is yet to be seen.

The Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/33501/Lez-Ponies

Happy now, Medicshy? No need to send out your little attack robots.

This is ChrisTheCat, signing off.

8 comments:

  1. Flutterkoma is deadly and adorable and you should not think otherwise.

    And yes, I am happy, but then I spend a lot of my time happy and really hate resorting to threats...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I think deadly, I think Pyramid Head. Between him and Flutterkoma, there is no comparison.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, Flutterkoma's got a machine gun and missile launcher. Pyramid head just has a sword and suggestive poses. No contest.

      Delete
    3. Do you believe that Flutterkoma could defeat Pyramid Head in a fight?

      Pyramid Head can't die. The fight would either end in a stalemate or Flutterkoma's destruction, proceeded immediately by Pyramid Head molesting the pieces.

      If we are talking about intimidation, then I'd still go with Pyramid Head because while Flutterkoma may have bullets and missiles, those have a habit of killing you quickly. Pyramid Head may only be in possession of the Great Knife, a spear and that long tongue he impaled people with, but those tend to be instruments of extreme pain, and if that's not enough, I'd rather have my body blown to pieces than have it sexually violated.

      Delete
    4. But Pyramid head, until the need or a recurring Silent Hill character and the destruction of the series, had actually been defeated/'killed' by Jaaaaaaaaaames Sunderland, a single normal man armed with a bent pipe and sexual frustration. He didn't even have armor plating!

      Sure, Pyramid Head is bloody and supernatural and uses an inefficient, and therefore scarier, weapon, but Flutterkoma is a tank. A Celetia-darned tank! I'd be much more fearful of the destructive capabilities of a tank than that of one guy with a knife. Granted, I worry about more than myself in a fight, and would even sacrifice myself if it meant I could save someone more deserving from death.

      All the horrors of hell and an eternity of violation would be worth it to save someone else from the same thing. Though I would like all of us to survive, if that wouldn't be too much trouble...

      Delete
    5. Well, Pyramid Head killed himself because he was no longer needed, but yeah, I'll give you that.

      As to the sacrificing of myself during a fight, there are very few people I would even consider taking any harm for, let alone dying.

      I doubt you'd be thinking that way once there.

      Delete
    6. The advantage of Silent Hill: Nobody to sacrifice yourself for. Just you and an evil town full of monstrous figments of your imagination, and in that choice, I pick me.

      I don't think that's selfish, is it? I hope not...

      Delete
    7. ...not so much. Depends on which game you play.

      No, it's not selfish if it's just you, but Silent Hill is rarely uninhabited...

      Delete