Sunday, June 3, 2012

Review - Fun With Changelings

The site's been kinda dead recently besides an updated poll (which I swear is directed at me in some way), so it's time to whip out the old necromancy tome and bring this site back to life. 'Fun With Changelings', after the break.


(Oooooh, Darcy's gonna kill the author for this...)


Alright, the story I'll be reviewing today is 'Fun With Changelings' by Shukumei, an...interesting piece of work. We see the world from the mind of a Chageling (how original) who has been disconnected from the hive-mind and blasted from Canterlot all the way to Ponyville due to the large magic burst at the end of the Season 2 finale. There, the nameless Changeling winds up in the company of none other than Vinyl Scratch, who proceeds to adopt her and name her Wubsy.

Now, you know what? In contrast to every other review I've done, I think I might try to write something positive.



HA! Yeah right! Like you don't go to Comic-Con to find non-virgins, you don't come to me for a positive review, ever. 

Description: A single chageling is cut off from the swarm during the attack on Canterlot. She's discovered by Vinyl Scratch and adopted as a pet. How will Wubsy the chageling, Vinyl, and Octavia cope when the town develops Chageling-phobia? Will Wubsy ever be able to prove her good intentions and stay with the mare she's grown so attached to? Rated teen for off-page lesbian pony make-out session.

Vinyl adopted a Changeling? What? Did her brain take a vacation? What possesed her to do that? As it turns out, she doesn't know what a Changeling is, like the rest of you who hadn't read western-European folklore before they came into the show (I knew what they were already, so *raspberry*). Also, Changelings are depicted as insects so I believe that's 'entomophobia'. And...oh, yes! Yes yes yehehehes! Vinyl is being shipped! With Octavia! Darcy's rage will be palpable. 



Plot: Literally the entirety of the plot is in the description, which isn't the brightest move, but to be fair this is only the first chapter of what's probably going to be a decently sized fic. I'm not sure whether to be excited or not. I mean, I'm used to stories featuring the Mane Six or the Princesses or Discord, not two ponies that are as well remembered as John Pemberton. (Go on, Google this guy. See what you have to thank him for. I'll wait.) 

So yeah, basically a Changeling is about to attack a pony when Cadence and Shining Armor create a large love-explosion and Queen Chrysalis pulls a Team Rocket, along with the rest of the Changelings. The Changeling lands in Ponyville, where Chrysalis decides to trim the fat and cut off any of her subjects that are too far away from her. However, this Changeling survives because...I don't know, plot convenience? The Changeling suddenly finds that she has independent thought, because f@#! logic. Vinyl stumbles across her, and cluelessly adopts the Changeling as a pet, proceeding to name her...oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ, really? Wubsy? For God's sakes, woman! Are you a DJ or the local cat-lady? Wubsy proceeds to show...f@#! that, I'm still calling her the Changeling. The Changeling proceeds to show off her shape-shifting skills, and Vinyl actually says it's 'bitchin''. *sigh* No comment. She takes the Changeling home to Octavia, where she plays a prank that I really have to admire. She uses the Changeling to duplicate herself and scare the living crap out of her filly-friend...wait, filly-friend? Oh, right...the chapter ends with off-page sexy times between the two mares while, and I shit you not, the Changeling looks on in curiosity. 

Wow.

Characters: Well I can't really complain about what the characters are really like in the show because they have no spoken lines or personalities, and this fic decides that the latter point should stay the same. Vinyl Scratch is your average spaced-out music goer who at first acts as if she just came back from Woodstock. She begins to develop a personality a little later into the fic when she starts pranking Octavia and then commences with the bow-chicka-wow-wow, but overall she just seems dull, bland and not at all how I was hoping to see her like I have in a few sparse other fics. Octavia is pretty much the same, though to be fair I've only seen her with lines in one fic before so I had no personality to compare this one too, though it's pretty much a copy-and-paste of Rarity's, an aristocrat of sorts, which begs the question as to how she managed to get with Vinyl of all ponies. They just...don't match. This is why I don't like RariJack or RariDash or RariPie. I can't see somepony like her with somepony like them. To be fair, the concept of love is lost on me entirelly besides it's chemical components so I can't really be talking. Finally, we have...*sigh* Wubsy. She kind of goes from vicious insectoid to prankster in the space of a few paragraphs. She also seems to be taking on independant thinking a little too easily for somepony who's never had a free though before. 

Spelling and Grammar: It's certainly not flaw-free. 5 spelling errors and 4 grammatical errors. Shukumei made mistakes...AND VE MUST CORRECT ZEM. 
Spelling: In paragraph twenty-four, 'cutiemark' was used. There's meant to be a hyphen there. In the twenty-seventh paragraph, 'marefriend'. It's not like 'girlfriend', you need a hyphen for this one. In the meaning of life forty-second paragraph, 'fillyfoolers' and 'fillyfooler' made themselves known. Does the author have something against hyphens? In paragraph forty-four, the same mistake is made as in paragraph twenty-seven. Hyphens are to this author as ants are to a freaking magnifying glass. It actually feels like they're doing this on purpose. In the final paragraph, 'marefriend'. Again. 
Grammar: In the third paragraph, the space-bar went AWOL when the author typed 'air.The'. In the fifth paragraph, 'lay' was used instead of 'lie'. Paragraph ten lacked a comma in 'Well well'. In the sixteenth paragraph, 'Well... Almost perfect.' Downgrade the 'A' and remove the space. Maybe add in some italics. 

Execution: Rushed. Very, very rushed. Firstly, the fic starts with the Changeling about to feed off of some innocent pony, and then two paragraphs later, BOOM. Ponyville. It's not a subtle fic in the least. Like I mentioned before, the Changeling also gets used to the concept of having an I very quickly. Two-thousand words later and I'm still unimpressed. Yeah, not only is it rushed, it's short. That is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING. In fics like these. I know it's only one chapter of a longer story, but still. Something I forgot to mention about the fic is that who adopts a pet the same size as them? 

Also, this one line here: "Somewhere deep inside her burned the spark of life. Independent life. And the instinct to protect it. She wanted to LIVE!" That one line alone causes the rating to drop by a whole point, and nearly made me burst a f@#!ing aorta. 

In Conclusion: Despite all of my negativity, it's really not that bad, and I've both favourited and followed it, though mostly just to see if it improves. I don't recommend anything and this is no exception, but give it a read if this kind of thing tickles your fancy. I was going to give it a 6/10, but due to that one line, it gets a 5/10. 

In the end, the fic was rushed, had lifeless characters and several off one-liners. However, it has potential for improvement due to this not being the end of the fic. Hopefully it'll have the same result as the Team Fortress series in that while the first one was absolute shit, the second one onward will be bloody terrific in every way.

You're welcome, Valve. 



This is ChrisTheCat, signing off.

7 comments:

  1. It wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at the audience in general. I wanted to know if I should keep doing my fair, balanced, and slightly positive thing or if I should join the negativity brigade. Nothing against it, it's funny in its own way, I just like being friendly.

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  2. Don't join the negative side. We need a serious reviewer. I'm in it for the satire, but you review properly. Not to say I don't, but...ugh, you get my point. Stay over there on the light side and avoid the temptation of our cookies.

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  3. Ya' know Chris, I don't even have to read the stories you review to find these entertaining. :D

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  4. Thank you. I strive to take great stories down a peg while still giving people the incentive to read them and judge them for their own.

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  5. Did... you just say "great stories"? Did you just admit my story is great? ON YOUR BLOG?! I think I just won this round! TKO!

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    Replies
    1. a) Not my blog
      b) When I say 'great' I mean 'made it into the Featured Box'. You want great? Read 'Cupcakes', 'Fallout: Equestria', 'Anthropology' and 'The Games We Play'.
      c) Probably the most important point.

      I
      Never
      Lose.

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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