Thursday, May 17, 2012

Review - Incorrect Assumptions

I found another one. Let's give it a whirl, shall we? 'Incorrect Assumptions', after the break!


Alright, the story I’ll be reviewing today is 'Incorrect Assumptions' by Anonymous Pegasus, a fic that was posted on the 12th of May and stayed in the Featured Box for about four days, maintaining first place for most of the duration, though I'm a little confused as to why. It's an interesting little story, one that will titillate and amuse you. Unfortunately, I can't say which genre it falls under or I ruin the whole bloody premise. 

It's a decent little fic involving our [read: your] favourite princesses of the Sun and Moon, Celestia and Luna, along with the former's most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. It also has two royal guards as characters, but frankly who gives a crap about them? We [read: you] want Princest and TwiLuna and such! No time for anypony else! 

In all honesty I do like the story, but like you don't go to the South for racial tolerance, you don't come to me for a positive review. So let's do this.  

Description: Luna is on her way to visit Celestia, but hears her squealing for someone to 'stop!' She walks in on Twilight on top of a red-faced Celestia, and the two of them react like guilty teenagers. Just what the buck is going on here?!

Sex. Sex seems to be what's going on here. Anyone else think of that?   

Plot: Luna's on a stroll through the castle to see her older sister when she comes across two guards, who start nervously telling her that she can't go in, like they're holding a cockfight or something. She demands to be let in and like two children who've just wet themselves and got yelled at by their angry mother they comply. Luna walks in to see...hoooooboy. How do you plan to explain this one away, Molestia? You fell and Twilight tripped? The studious little bookworm walks away with a smug look on her face, saying "I've been corrupted!" Yeah, sorry sweetie, you were on top. I don't believe you. From there on, Luna and Celestia read the bloody fic themselves.   

Characters: Luna still has the whole 'we' thing happening. Pretty sure Twilight fixed that. Anyhow, she seems a little brash and aggressive for my taste, not bothering to listen to her sister. To be fair though, if I saw my sister and her student lying on the bed together, I'd be somewhat freaked out, especially since my sister teaches preschoolers, but I digress. Overall, aggressive and refuses to listen to reason. Celestia is all embarrassed for the whole fic, so most of her sentences are filled with hyphens (-). What, you develop a stutter suddenly? N-never have I met s-someone who s-speaks l-like this w-when they've b-been c-caught doing something n-naughty. And then we move to Twilight. Yeah, she seems a little underhanded (underhoofed?) in this fic. I really doubt she'd go and screw Celestia like that, because you don't go around screwing with all-powerful god-princesses

Spelling and grammar: 2 spelling errors and 2 grammatical errors. Let me see..."eachother". They're two separate words, same with "praytell". Technically "alicorn" isn't a real word either, but that's just me being a nit-picky bastard. Now on to grammar: In the same sentence where the author dun goofed with the "eachother" screw-around, they also used a capital 'A' for 'and'. In the previous paragraph, they also used an exclamation mark unnecessarily, resulting in the next sentence beginning with a lower case letter. For shame, Anonymous Pegasus, for shame. 

Execution: The story is pulled off decently, but mostly because there wasn't a large enough world for plot holes to come into play. There were also several sentences where ellipses were used unnecessarily. story paced well though, not too long or short. 

Enjoyable: The ending made me giggle like a schoolgirl, but by then you can kind of see it coming and as a result the impact is lessened, and I kind of felt like I wasted my time. I don't like it when I know what the bloody ending is going to be. Also, just like the last fic I reviewed I found no enjoyment in reading this twice. Stories should make you want to relive the experience again, but when I read it a second time around I felt like I was rubbing sandpaper on my crotch. However, the story stayed in the Featured Box for a long time, and I feel it deserves something for that, so go give it a read and give it your own opinion. 

In Conclusion: A rating out of ten? I hold my scorecard up for you, mate. It says 6/10. 

All in all, 'Incorrect Assumptions' is a short little fic that screws with your mind for a bit before it makes like the Black Baron and goes kaput. Don't get me wrong, it's good, but it had a few too many mistakes for my liking. I don't like stories that have many mistakes. [read: hypocrite] You all gallop off and see what all the fuss is about, while I stay here and wait for the hate mail. Rule 19 of the Internet, people. "The more you hate it, the stronger it becomes." 

This has been ChrisTheCat, signing off.

Oh hey, here's a thought. How about I actually send this to the author? I hope he sends me an angry letter, because as we all know, your loathing sustains me. 


  1. OMG I haet u

    y u give nly 6 out of 10?!!!!????!!!111!!

    No, but seriously. I giggled a little bit. I never intended for the story to get popular. A friend showed me a picture of Celestia blushing and getting chinrubs, being all cute and innocent and whatnot. I wanted a story to convey the same sense as the picture, hence, stuttering Celestia, and Trollight. Plus, I wrote it when I was tired as hell, and didn't proofread at meh. It could have been much better, maybe.

    As for grammatical mistakes, I will say the same thing I have told others. I'm not a writer, I'm a storyteller. I can tell a decent story, but I suck at writing.

    In conclusion: This is your hatemail, you bastard. :)

    1. It's 12:46am here and you both already made my day.

  2. How come I get the writer that hates me and makes me feel horrible by getting depressed by a negative review and you get the one who writes playful hate mail? I want to trade.

    1. Problem is, I'm a fellow Aussie, and I watch Zero Punctuation. And I giggle. A lot.

      Every story has problems, and mine are no different. I'm not an artist with a notepad, so I can't get really offended if someone takes apart a story I wrote in a half hour that completely disregards the characters personalities, can I?

    2. Maybe I need to move to Australia. Seems to have all the best people there. It's got Yahtzee, it's got these guys, there's probably someone else worth mentioning...

      On second thought, I'll keep Hawaii. Our beaches are better.

    3. Yeah, but to go to the beach, I'd have to go outside, and since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon I can't really make that comparison.

    4. ummm... medic, i am not the author, i am just someone who was reading to fix you and what if and wanted to see your opinion on it, i am sorry if i made you feel bad about your review and can honestly say that i was just stating that i enjoyed it.

    5. i wasn't talking about you. i was messaged BY the author, to detrimental effect

  3. also anonymous pegasus i am also a brony so :P

  4. Maul, I would like you to at least TRY this little thing called GRAMMAR and PUNCTUATION! I am your brother and I am a grammar nazi, so I have no idea who you have picked up these terrible habits from! It makes me very sad.

    On another note, WELCOME TO SFFR ANONYMOUS!! :D We hope you will stay a while, it is a very silly place, after all :)